Life Update: February

Hey all!

I feel like writing something so write I shall. Read this blog if you’d like to know a bit more about me πŸ™‚ Okay I started writing about life at my parents’ place, but I just came back from having dinner at the restaurant I used to work at. I feel like I have to write about it, because I’m bouncing around with so much energy… Everyone was so sweet I could seriously cry right now! I scratched every part I wrote about life at my parents place because it is too distracting haha.

There is so much going on in my head I have no idea how I’m supposed to sleep tonight. I will try to write it down and I’m currently chatting with my friend Mariska, which always helps. I have to post this, I think it’s a good idea to share it but it’s scary. Scary is bad. Scary things are things I would avoid. But I’m in a learning process, and scary is what I need to learn. Yes. No. Scary. I will never fall asleep like this…

I used to work in a restaurant

Okay so tonight we had dinner at the restaurant I used to work at, my parents and I. I was a little nervous before going there, I always am, because I decided to stop working there due to my anxiety and this is sort of failure to me.
I already wrote about the anxiety so I won’t go too much into detail but quick recap: I stopped going to school for a while to learn how to deal with my anxiety and panic attacks and I decided to start working full time. Now tell me, do you think that is a good idea?

It wasn’t of course. The work was great, my fellow team members were even greater and I felt so at home in this big family like team of kitchen and restaurant staff. However, I was working hard and received compliments but they never removed the fear of failure inside of me. For some reason I was perfectly able to sell myself during a job interview or during work, yet I never truly saw my own potential. Stupiiiid, and unfortunately after a while this goddamn anxiety took away the pleasure of working there. After having a terrible, full on panic attack at work, which was what I had feared the most, I decided to accept the fact that I needed to fully focus on getting back on track.This was nearly three months ago.Β 

Dinner at my old workplace

Anyway, we decided to have dinner there and it was so good to be back. There were some familiar faces and they would come by our table every once in a while and chat with me and my parents about work or their lives or my life and it was so nice and welcoming! I have missed working there and that family feeling of seeing those people nearly every day, and they made me realise this even more.

And then just before we left some people including one of the chefs started convincing me to come back. There’s a new owner and she was working that night, and they told me that everyone already told her to hire me! They were making jokes that I should just do my interview now, and that they missed me so much and how I could just work once a month and that it would all be fine.

I don’t think they know how much that meant to me, o my god. That was literally the first time I actually believed some of it. There’s sort of two sides to me: I know I am good enough but I never believe it. Does that make sense? It feels like I’m totally babbling right now but I have to get this out of my head and onto my screen or I’ll never be able to fall asleep. Maybe I’ll never post this, I don’t know.

Bright blue sky

It felt so surreal…. That sounds so overly dramatic, how do I put this into the right wording?

Okay imagine this: all your life you’ve seen the sky in this kind of greyish, light blue colour. You know that it’s supposed to have these days in which the sky is bright blue but you never truly believed it because you’d never seen this, right?
And then all of a sudden you put on a different pair of glasses or whatever it is that happened inside my head and BAM! there’s a glimpse of this bright blue sky people have been telling you about all your life. I never saw myself like others saw me, I knew that, I always thought I wasn’t good enough. But now for the first time ever it hit me that they might not be saying that because they feel like they had to, they might actually mean it.

Are you still with me? I just shared what was probably the biggest revelation I’ve had in a while. Might sound stupid to you, but that’s a pretty big deal in my eyes.

Pfffew. So much going on inside my head.

Well, now that I’ve got that on paper I have to slowly start cooling down. It feels good to have this all written down, who knows if one day I might have forgotten all these things and those struggles may seem so silly. They already seem silly, trust me, they seem silly but I still don’t know how to avoid the struggles. Stupid struggles.

Okaaaaaay it’s time for me to leave now. If you’ve made it this far congratulations, you have successfully managed to plough through this incredibly disorganized blog (or not, and you are wondering what the hell you’ve just read) but I will just assume no one makes it this far because that makes it less scary to post this. I may remove this again tomorrow.

GOOD NIGHT!

I’m actually feeling a lot more calm already. I love blogging.

 

 

 

 

 

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